You will never read this..because you will forget. are forgetting. have forgotten.

i wish i could.

tossed out the window, of love's El Camino

i should probably stop getting high.
words- ani difranco.

Doesnt look like I'm much of a feminist.

Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say about the matter.
Moving on, I've really been into short fiction lately, and have just realised I cannot write it. Its a painfully heartbreaking process, recovering each time I discover something I love and soon after, my complete lack of skill or aptitude in the area.Why, always.I even lose the will to punctuate right around this traumatic period.


No, I'm not PMSing.
(Well that's a feminist statement right there.)

I'm tired.

I'm tired of sitting still and worrying because at this moment, like RIGHT now? i don't have a hope for a future and everything i've ever taken for granted, some things i just decided would happen, they all seem nonexistent, and impossibilities in a world that's beginning to spiral more and more out of my control, and which is starting to seem exactly like books that are written to describe sorrow and longing, that always ALWAYS end with some sort of pitiable form of supposed satisfaction because really, it's EASY to erase a life of pain and staring through warm windows in rags, with something as sublime as a smile, or peace in death.
right?

i cannot do this. i cannot listen to someone complain about getting a really good college IN bangalore, with a course that they want, because of some ill-conceived idea that they have to move to hostel. SHE LIVES HERE WHY WOULD SHE GO TO HOSTEL. and THAT is why her life is ruined?

it really is the least of my problems. i cant be nice. i dont want to try. i want to stay home. and i want to be back in school back to knowing what would happen the next day the next year atleast WHERE i would go the next day the next year.

and you know what the worst part is?
i wish i didn't know anyone i did.

i'm not who they think i am i will not live up to expectations i'm on a one-way trip no backtracks no U-turns no side lanes no nothing on a path to absolutely nowhere. so here's to me.

because.

shravanthi has abandoned not only this blog, but also severed all ties with me it seems. i have no idea why else we haven't talked in any way in over a month.
therefore, i shall flood this place with my random junk instead of letting this blog wallow in self pity (that's MY job, no one can do it better, not even my blog).

few things that have happened.
i've joined a salsa workshop blah first day was good blah blah i cant dance i suck so bad that blah blah blah but at one point of time i used to be real good that's before blah blah blah blah so that and blah and blah blah we don't have boy partners blah blah if you're a boy and wanna join blah blah thanks.
Symbiosis chances have been screwed because i read their mail a day late so i responded two days after the deadline so im not even gonna be considered for shortlisting so THERE goes my dream of taking up graphic design in college.
i have work but too low a morale and blah blah blah to execute anything properly. so blah.
i've lost my respect for a few people and all that's left is dislikage.
some people are good and some people are lucky and some people suck and need to die.
i have photoshop CS4 finally.
i love babrus and he rules and this is absolutely irrelevant.
here is a random something because i was bored and wanted to check out all the brushes i've ever downloaded from people on deviantArt and just fiddle around,really:

yesimcrazykthnx

i sorta like this. but it falls under the tooawful category so its not on the other blog or on dA.

ok. the end.

Turns out being invisible was ohsomuch better.
i think.

ok I ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that we've stepped into a new year, ok? it just doesnt mean anything with the impendingdoom of a board exam approaching and all of that. although, I need to just absolutely NEED to remind me that i NEED to read this year. just a little? a few books? last year, i didnt complete reading a single book that i can remember. i have quite a few lying around but nuh-uh i dont READ. no there is no fucking reason why. i just seem to be a bastard. so dear little bastard, i know you'd like to read. so DO, ok?
ok.

Give me a glass room.

I cried yesterday because i felt like i was invisible. And i woke up in the middle of the night and remembered yesterday could have been a death anniversary.
yesterday was a 1076 day.

I cried today because my family suddenly decided to hate me.
and i could see when i'm that old, i would be exactly like them.

And today is a 996 day.

I've been crying because i've been angry and helpless and detached. Because i don't feel like me and don't like the things i'm used to.
because i'm just not used to them anymore. they feel like an empty house that used to be filled with people and things and love until they all died.

I have negative days coming up, says astrology. I'm going to have a -469 day and my new year begins with a -218.

I'm not disheartened no. I just need things to break.