At my happiest, i realise - i can never ever hold bliss like it was my own.

Having your heart broken is nothing like they'd tell you in books is it. It's like someone left a great big rock on chest, and forgot it there.

i can't deal:(

would you mind if i made a guest appearance. and be spectacularly girly,

and complain to you about how everyone around me seems to be in a relationship

and/or a relationship problem (which, according to hearsay, happen only when one is IN a relationship)

and while i would normally be pleased to help

i've had it to up here

with it. because all it seems to do. is rub in a stark lack of, in my life

which is not, again, you know normally something i'd care about very much

there just seem to be one too many reminders lately

Bloody chinese spammers, fuck off i say.  moving on, looks like i AM doing rantblog again afterall.
This is like a note to self.

Please be awesome again. the trick is to be awesome and not give a fuck, to believe that your awesomeness is not a result of any external element, nothing but your mere existence makes itself a marvel, and to eat a lot of chicken and draw a lot of lines.Do colour outside but losing money is NOT OK.

People smiling and posing piss me off.

tossed out the window, of love's El Camino

i should probably stop getting high.
words- ani difranco.

yesterday i looked.
today i smelt horrible shit.
day before was slightly better or something.

time to look for a cliff to jump off

today i said lol, and am now sitting in the same room with the person whose influence it might have been, and who i said it to.

so who needs help defining pathetic, again?

I now know how to be sad and not be weighed down by grief at the same time.
I dont remember what i started out to say, maybe it was about love this time as well.
Or about touching imaginary noses etcetera. I liked all that. It made me happy.
Reality checks make me stable, though.
I liked knowing love.

I'm doing the music equivalent of reading self help books.

drill me to the ground.

I got sunshine in a bag

chirp chirp

So when i lose (something), i go and get myself a new camera, for it can perhaps get me a new kind of art to sell as a deceit.

wooFuckinghoo

how cool am i.

"Even though it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah."

- Leonard Cohen

oh, im so foolish.

in other news

  

hell i love ffffound! :D

Not the 100th post.

So, look who's ridiculously bored. Look who also cannot use Photoshop anymore. Look who has, however, finally learnt how to do the stupid sunrays thing.

I need a lot of things and one of them would be something i already have but cannot consume because im at home. I have a new harddisk, and a new skirt. It is very fulfilling to have yourself given a back massage and I need fulfillment of just that craving right about now.I dont need to get into crabby mood and suddenly, ranting seems to be getting me closer to one of those moods.
Should stop and will.

Happy Birthday Jim

and boy, were you hot.


(OK WE ALL KNOW ITS NOT HIS BIRTHDAY I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO PUT UP THE PICUTTTTUUUUURE AND im lame like that)


and well, HAPPY 100TH POST TO THIS BLOG, however :P

ok. this is the end of an era of me always pushing coversation. or having to push conversation in case i want any because you certainly dont want any and i will take the hint. yes sir, you have successfully hammered it home. bravo.

get yourself a new goddamn disease

sometimes i get shortness of breath like hiccups because i dont get hiccups anymore. i used to get hiccups when i laughed very hard. i believe in statements and thats a disease. if i didnt take everything so seriously, i'd get sleep more often and then i could wake up and be of some service to the household which would make me a relevant person and make it easier to talk mom into letting me go out for an hour. today i have a resolve and very short breath. today i have a thought process running amok but it ends in murder. that's got to be some form of order. yes it is. its impossible to be unhappy in a skirt. im fine. today is a thursday. im fine.

who says i cant get stoned

if im crying about the death of dio or the malfunction in my intestines or because i missed meeting my bitches because of the 7th time my mom wanted to pretend to be homicidal, im always crying about the same.
in which case i would be oblivious of the others and in case im really crying about it which im crying about,and the fact that the others don't hold can not make me stop.


That is exactly what makes me a dysfunctional human being.

It's like i make guest appearances here eh:P

ah well not very missed anyway, considering noone knows i pop in here except shilpy:D ah yes okay i will cut that out. insanely as a first i can think of absolutely nothing to complain about in my life whiich is insanely as a first the insanely part i'm talking about? is because i've got exams and a very(uh VERY) annoying college but hey whatthehell:D

i been listening to moody emotional songs all day which oho yeah is another bit of insanity(but is fun! i mean no better way to balance out a blank head than to fill it with other people's heartbreaks and longing)

and i started writing anotherletter, you. be glee-ed:)

Doesnt look like I'm much of a feminist.

Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say about the matter.
Moving on, I've really been into short fiction lately, and have just realised I cannot write it. Its a painfully heartbreaking process, recovering each time I discover something I love and soon after, my complete lack of skill or aptitude in the area.Why, always.I even lose the will to punctuate right around this traumatic period.


No, I'm not PMSing.
(Well that's a feminist statement right there.)

i cant believe it takes a month of nagging and then a punch in the  face to remind a person of what you need.

im not the one for pushing, i like to abandon and withdraw.

LAME LAZYDAY LISTS

As of now,


I miss:

• Shayo.
• Sayan.
• My bed being next to the windows in my room (mom MOVED it after the last time i left home)
• Geography class. (yes, right go laugh your asses off)
• Shravanthi M.S. and ICSE Board exams :D
• Watching cartoon network (mom watches soaps ALL bleddy day)
• Pot.
• My guitar.
• Boy.

I want:

• SHAYO TO MOVE TO PUNE REAAAAAAAAALBAD.
• To be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
• Some new books. (i hate ebooks)
• Acrylic paints.
• A wacom tablet.
• A camera.
• A snowglobe to fling at a wall
• To be your dirty little secret. 
• Some storage space, goddamnit. (which translates as, a new hard disk, maybe?)
• Loads of plain new wallets i could paint on.
• To write a letter and name it Pop.
• To make a boldly coloured painting and name it Montgomery.
• New Music 
• Boy. :(

I Love:

• The smell of paint
• The Book Thief (the book, that is. got hold of e-book yay)
• Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory <3
• The Japanese Wife :')
• The idea of killing people.
• The idea of shooting marbles down someone's throat.
• The idea of shooting myself for being unreasonable.
• Boy.<3

I Hate:

• Obsessing.
• Screaming moms.
• Screaming children.
• Screaming me.
• Screaming T.V.
• Lack of Pot.
• Lack of Sneha.
• This
• ( Insert extremely infuriating and saddening shit i will not mention) 
• LackofBoyD:

i really really want to write a book on my numerous, half made up dreams.

GOD i really just want to write a book.

not happy in the remotest. everytime im happy its just the manic phase, bipolarity has been tested and proven.

IM REDISCOVERING MY LIFE AS A GAY PARADE because of the love, the poetry i can spot in images again, the words that wouldnt come too hard or too jarring, because of sweet inebriation, because of rainy glasses and i dont miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind anymoreeeeeee.  JOIN ME IN BEING GAY BUT BYOB.

MY BLOGMATE HAS A DOG WOOF.

do not slip into that state do not continue being delusional stop now for your own fucking good OK. please.

i havnt cried enough for you, my joker and thief.

its a broken halleluiah

HALLE-L-U-

so as it turns out

i HAVE to blowdry my hair each time i want to see myself fit into a socially acceptable definition of a girl.what good are boobs, now? this is PRECISELY why i'd trade everything for a dick of my own.

and then be a dog and sing

My God, my God, my God gave me a rod
For fishing, fishing


fishing.

ok, so im cruelly affected by insomnia somehow and its really frustrating because i had a horrible end to a pretty decent day.so im gonna sit here rant. ive been very unproductive of late. people are stealing things from my room and that's scary and depressing. i dont wear jewellery anymore. i think im going a little insane no matter how stable i claim to be whenever the subject is brought up. i want to pet an elephant. i want to sit on it and scream NO, YOU'RE A GUJJU to random people on the street. my ink bottle leaks so much that it breaks my heart. shawty got low.
low


low.

no offence, but you dont make sense.

its neither of the two but its good enough anyway. :)

there is an ache and then i fall asleep only to wake up with a start at around 3 in the morning wondering if i'll find myself being looked at as a video game or a void, an escape or as non existent.this is really painful.

stop this, hold this like its a naked heartbeat and bury it somewhere down the street i dont need this to be the chorus to the dirge of a soundtrack to the entire goddamned tragic farce that is my life.

or make me see that it can be touched like a tissue or a pebble or a missing block of lego.

i hate him.
there, i've said it. and it's a corrosive painful hate that i really shouldn't have. because i don't really, you know.

but i do. so.

i've switched back phones with my sister, so i wouldn't be tempted to ever msg. ever.
i'm tired.